June, 2020 | Be Embodied

BY: embodied

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HEALING GRIEF AND LOSS DURING COVID-19

HEALING GRIEF AND LOSS DURING COVID-19

June 17, 2020

Looking through the glass door from my aunt’s porch I saw my Grandmother laying in her hospice bed as she whispered, “I am so sorry.” In that moment I felt my world close in, I knew exactly what she meant by those words; sorry for not being the Grandmother I remember.

There is never a good time to get news that someone you love dearly is dying. Now with COVID acting as physical barrier between comforting dying loved ones and loved ones comforting us, it is especially difficult. I experienced this first hand as I lost my Grandmother during the quarantine.

My Grandmother was one of the strongest women I knew. She could take on the world without ever being rattled, while always having a positive attitude. She had an admirable amount of relentless compassion and unconditionally accepted and loved all who surrounded her. She had a way about her that made me feel special like no one else ever could. She saw things in me that I couldn’t see and placed them on a pedestal of praise. She could always find a ray of sunshine no matter what the storm.

After being isolated due to COVID in the hospital for over a month she had whittled away to nothing, thinning hair, and an absent smile. She was told she had cancer all throughout her body and that chemotherapy was not an option. She could only be made comfortable until she passed – thirty days at the most. I crumbled not being able to hold her hand or hug her. I know that was what we both needed. I desperately wanted to grip her hand, be strong for her, and take her place in telling her, “Everything will be just fine.” Telling her that if there is a great beyond that she would, out of any of us, be going there. Instead, we celebrated what we all knew to be her last Mother’s Day looking in at her from afar. We were separated, like a zoo exhibit. The bars tearing apart and trapping our family at the same time.

Looking back, it still doesn’t feel real, didn’t feel humane, and I can’t believe it happened the way it did. These feelings are shared amongst us all with the current world events. All over the world, and our country, whether it be COVID or other causes for passing, people are not able to grieve, and therefore, are not able to properly heal. Grieving the loss of a loved one is distressing enough without adding restrictions. It’s disheartening to have limited funeral attendance, not be able to visit our loved ones in the hospital, nor be able to sit near their hospice bed holding their hand during their last hours. It’s heart-breaking, gut-wrenching, and traumatic.

Everyone’s experience with grief and loss is felt differently, processed distinctly, and healed individually. I can’t take your pain away nor mine but what I can do is offer a few tips for your healing process.

Time – Relinquish permission to heal. Allow yourself to heal at a pace that feels right for you.
Healthy Distraction – Remember to take time for yourself and shift your focus for momentary relief, try a mindless puzzle game, going for a quick walk around the block, or virtual/In-Real-Life coffee with a good friend.
Self-Compassion – Recognize that your feelings are valid, that the grief process varies between people, and that you are doing the best that you can right now, moment-to-moment.
Connection – Reach out for support. More than ever, now is the time to seek and receive support. Healing only comes through connecting with yourself and others.
Finding Value and Meaning – Relish what was good and pure about this special person. Memorialize their legacy and reflect on what difference this person has made to you, others, and their community.

Healing from grief and loss, traumas related to COVID, and taking care of ourselves is overwhelming and challenging. These are difficult times and coming together is necessary. Losing someone can bring us even closer to others, allow us the opportunity to learn more about ourselves, and to make the most out of each day. You can do this!

–Tessa Bechtold, LMHC

BY: embodied

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RACIAL INJUSTICE: ENDING THE SILENCE

RACIAL INJUSTICE: ENDING THE SILENCE

June 8, 2020

My stomach jumped into my throat as I read the bolded words from my office manager’s email, “I am not okay.” Shame flooded every inch of my body realizing that she had to illicit support from her white co-workers because we had fallen silent.

My shame was magnified because it wasn’t just my office manager that I had abandoned. A week or more had passed since George Floyd’s murder and I still hadn’t checked on any of my black friends, family or co-workers. Why do I choose silence in the face of racial injustice? What happened to my 12-year-old self whose first instinct was to punch her classmate when she heard him utter a racial slur?!

In full transparency, I am intimidated to write this piece. To talk about something that feels completely out of my depth. A topic that can be so enraging and disgusting that it’s easier to bury my head in the sand. It also means admitting that because of my lack of action, I am part of the problem. After speaking to white friends and colleagues, I know my experience is not unique. I want to share why I have stayed silent in hopes that it inspires you to get curious about your role in ending racial injustice.

Fear of offending someone. I fear being misinterpreted and coming off as offensive. Do I say black, African-American, person of color? Do I acknowledge that we are different colors? Is this going to make me sound racist? My fear keeps me from asking questions and educating myself. My ignorance keeps me silent as the topic of race grows increasingly intimidating. It’s a perpetuating cycle that I am determined to break. I will ask questions, I will make mistakes and I will feel uncomfortable because that is where change starts.

Shame. I am ashamed of my privilege. I have never been judged, attacked, or made to fear for my life because of my skin color. My life is easy, no thanks to anything I have done. I am ashamed of our country’s history of slavery. I am ashamed that I live in a country where people are hated, vilified and murdered because of their skin color. I will no longer allow shame to silence me. Instead, I will acknowledge it, release it, and take responsibility for what is in my control. Have I stayed silent? Yes. Have I turned my head? Yes. Do I want to do better? Yes.

Keeping the peace. This is one of my most embarrassing wrong doings. Justifying or ignoring bigotry because of a person’s age, upbringing, or other attributes. “Oh, you know so-and-so, he’s racist but that’s just how he was raised.” Cringing on the inside and giving an eye roll or chuckle at a racist joke. Pretending I don’t hear a family member’s racial slur. I have done all these things for years to keep the peace. Afraid of offending family or starting a fight that cannot be resolved. I adore my family and am proud to be a part of them. Speaking up terrifies me but I will do it; because continuing to live in a country that does not value all human lives equally terrifies me even more.

Feeling helpless. What could I do that could possibly be helpful? I feel like my voice and opinion doesn’t have a place in this arena because I am white. Since racism doesn’t directly affect me, I think I should step to the side. To top it off, the changes necessary to end systemic racism intimidate me. This mentality reminds me of why I didn’t vote for years, “What’s the point? It won’t make a difference.” It is this exact frame of mind that allows racism to persist. The lack of action, the silence, giving up because the problem is immense – this is preventing change! I will start educating myself and find the places where my voice and actions can be effective.

Unlike my typical posts, I cannot end with a tidy list of tips or tricks. I cannot pull it all together with a warm sentiment or a “we are in this together!” Honestly, I have no idea what I’m doing, but for the first time, I’m doing something. What I can offer are these action-oriented attitudes that I intend to adopt. I welcome you to do the same if you are ready to break your own silence in the fight for racial justice.

I will ask questions.

I will get uncomfortable.

I will take responsibility for what I can control.

I will no longer allow shame to silence me.

I will speak up in the face of racism.

I will start educating myself.

I will find avenues for my voice to be heard.

–Samantha Sessamen, LMHC, EMDR trained

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HEALING GRIEF AND LOSS DURING COVID-19

HEALING GRIEF AND LOSS DURING COVID-19

June 17, 2020

RACIAL INJUSTICE: ENDING THE SILENCE

RACIAL INJUSTICE: ENDING THE SILENCE

June 8, 2020